An Unwritten Diary

. . . and I don't need the pillows fluffed again. She's a good girl, but doesn't she realize I don't give a damn about the pillows? So many drugs. You could probably snap my head off and I wouldn't tell the difference for you. Sure, the pain's there but so far from my thoughts now, like I dumped it on the floor.
I can't move. I don't want to lift my head anyway. It's swelling, all those memories. My daughter, with her hand there by my eyes, used to be so small. Can you believe that? She's so beautiful now, with her husband, her kids. They're not here, no, they're at school. That's good. They're too young to see death.
I saw death. I was in Nam. I saw people die in a bloody mess, oh God. Now my colon wants to do me in, and it can have me, by George. No more treatments. Just let me go, and don't worry about the pillows. All I want is peace. All I've ever wanted is peace, just for a moment, and I'll be damned if I don't get it for eternity now.
What do I think about now? Regrets? I haven't regretted anything for years. Thank God, my wife straightened me out. I used to run around, you know, but she taught me straight. I didn't know what love was or pain or anything 'til she whipped me into shape. I'll see her soon.
The lights are low, and that's good. I always liked mood lighting. You remember? No, that's right, I'm not talking. Well, dear, if you could remember the summer we spent in Chicago with me that'd be nice. Think about '78 for me and how we used to listen to jazz. Too bad for your mom. She never liked being a secretary, but we could of done with Chicago a bit more, I think. Remember the rain, and all that wind? It used to rain like the Dickens! And your hat blew off, and I made like I was going to jump in the river after it. You thought I was going in and you screamed and screamed! HA, by God. That was a summer.
So this is what death feels like. Life all in one moment? It doesn't flash before your eyes, now, does it, by God? It just kind of flows, like that river with your hat in it.
Are you crying now? Do I look like a man who will lay here and let his daughter cry? By God, I don't know what I look like. I must be some haggard old man by now. Have I shaved? Have I taken a bath in ages? I can't smell much anymore, but I hear that music. You're playing old Franky, dear! You knew I needed Old Blue Eyes to escort me out, didnt' you? Good girl, you always were a good girl.
I don't even remember why I thought my son-in-law was a bastard. He was a bastard at some point, I'm sure, but I can't remember that. That's good. I like remembering the good stuff. Oh, my wife, and when she wore that green dress. That dress was God-awful except when she put it on and danced. We danced like there was no tomorrow. There isn't any tomorrow anymore, just this eternal moment, by God.
Do you know this feels like half a life right here in this bed? Am I even in bed anymore? It's just that my wife gets all dolled up sometimes, and she looks so pretty. I can't wait! I can't wait to hold her again, and that's the first thing I'll do.
I can hardly breathe. I felt bad turning down the casserole she made me, but why ever would I want to eat now? There's no time to waste, because I'm on my way. The Lord's got a candle burning in a jazz club right now, and there's a whole tub of coffee for me and my pals. Everybody from the unit. All those boys I used to go sledding with at midnight when Mom was asleep. She was so mad, I remember, when she found out about that one. Pop just kept his mouth shut, and tried not to smile! Pop, play the trombone for us, just once!
I wonder if He'll let me play that baseball game again, that one with all those people cheering. I ate so many hot dogs that day, and I met that talent scout who wanted me to play for the Dodgers. By God, I had to turn him down because I had to go and marry the prettiest girl in the world and have you, Princess.
Peace was learning to fly an airplane over the fields of Oklahoma. Peace was coming home from war. Peace was singing in the boy's choir, and sounding sweet as honey. Peace was reading Huckleberry Finn under a tree in the summertime with my daughter. Peace was telling stories to you after dinner. Peace was driving that Chevy at night with the music turned up loud. It seems like peace is all I've ever known. It seems like peace is everything to come.
It feels like peace is here, by God.